Fire and Ice

Posted in Feature on March 20, 2002

By Ben Bleiweiss

Greetings everyone! We’re halfway through flavor text week now at Unfortunately, flavor text and card mechanics/game history don’t exactly go hand-in-hand. It’s difficult to talk about how a certain creature ability originated, and then throw you some examples from the quote box. Anthony and Jay can usually come up with articles about anything, and Mark gave you a great look at his favorites. So Randy and I needed to get even more creative than usual in order to find an interesting angle.

Aaron wrote to me, and had the following to say (and I paraphrase):


Why not write about vanilla creatures? They have a long history in the game, and taste better than chocolate or strawberry creations.


Savannah Lions aside, several vanilla creatures have found their way into competitive decks.

A vanilla creature is a creature in Magic which has absolutely no rules text. For instance, Grizzly Bears comes in one variety: 2/2 with no abilities. Savannah Lions are the most used vanillas in tournament history, and the most recently printed (as pointed out in the Card of the Day feature a couple of weeks back) is Woodland Druid. Ornithopter is not a vanilla creature (it flies), and neither is War Mammoth (it tramples), Juzam Djinn (it damages you), Kobolds of Kher Keep (they have rules text making them red cards), nor is Heart Wolf, Dwarven Sea Clan, or Wall of Kelp. Squire, vanilla. Devoted Caretaker, not vanilla.

Well, I found it less than exciting to write about creatures who, by nature, are the most uninteresting in the game (though it would be interesting to see which powers and toughnesses have been covered with vanilla creatures in Magic, so I’ve included a chart at the end of the article). The catch, I’m told, is that since vanilla creatures have no rules text, the only thing in printed in that place is flavor text.

I wrote back to Aaron the following week:


Would you mind if I wrote an article cataloging each instance of the letter ‘e’ being used in the flavor text of each and every Magic card? I think such a study would prove fascinating.


To which he responded:


If you do that, I’ll inflict serious bodily harm not only on you, but on every person you’ve ever come in contact with, starting with myself. Someone has to double-check your facts, after all. Think of something else.


At least, I think that’s how that exchange went. I can’t be 100% certain, but Aaron will inevitably edit out any falsehoods that I might try to foist upon you, the reader. (Let's hope so… Ben can tell some convincing lies, however. - Aaron, channeling his old editor) Suddenly, inspiration hit when I ate way too much hot sauce at a local Mexican restaurant! Why not write about my favorite quotable mage ever in the history of Magic, Jaya Ballard?


The words of Jaya Ballard
Ice Age flare
Lava Burst
Meteor Shower
Wall of Lava
Word of Blasting
Alliances Browse
gorilla chieftain
Gorilla Shaman
Gorilla War Cry
Mystic Compass
5th Edition inferno
Unglued Chicken Egg

Jaya Ballard is a task mage (see Task Mage Assembly), dedicated to the art of blowing up anything and anyone that gets in her path. She traffics in red magics (naturally), and boasts quite an ego. I mean, who else would say things like these?

“Yes, I think ‘toast’ is an appropriate description.” --incinerate, Ice Age.
“Eenie, meenie, minie, moe . . . oh, why not all of them?” --Meteor Shower, Ice Age.
“And I say north is where I want it to be!” --Mystic Compass, Alliances.
"Who needs the sun when you’ve got me around?” --Melting, Ice Age.
“Some have said there is no subtlety to destruction. You know what? They’re dead.” --inferno, 5th Edition.

Not only does she have a swelled head, but Jaya expresses a good amount of jealousy, envy and haughtiness. For instance, her comment about Gorilla Shaman reveals the following insight:

"Frankly, destruction is best left to professionals.” --Gorilla Shaman, Alliances.

Undeniably though, no one red mage in history has been associated with so many good burn spells as this egomaniac. From flare to pyroclasm to incinerate to Pyrotechnics to Meteor Shower to inferno to Lava Burst, Jaya covers the gamut of almost every conceivable form of red destructive magics. Although we haven’t heard much from her since the Ice Age, she did sneak in a quote for Unglued.


The words of Ertai
Weatherlight Abeyance
aether flash
Cone of Flame
Fledgling Djinn
Paradigm Shift
Psychic Vortex
Teferi's Veil
Tolarian Entrancer
Tempest Ancient Runes
Canyon Drake
Canyon Wildcat
Fool's Tome
Gaseous Form
Reality Anchor
Soltari Emissary
Steal Enchantment
Time Ebb
Exodus Ertai, Wizard Adept
Nemesis Oraxid
Planeshift Ertai, the Corrupted
Ertai's Trickery
Morgue Toad

Mirri’s hackles rose as Ertai continued expounding his virtues. “If that arrogant brat doesn’t shut up soon,” she growled to herself, “I’m going to have to kill him.” --Abjure, Weatherlight.

I like to think that Jaya was the prototype for a more famous egomaniacal magician. Some years later, the crew of the Skyship Weatherlight set out to recover the Legacy Artifacts to save the world. The most interesting of those characters was Ertai, Wizard Adept. Ertai trained under Barrin, Master Wizard to become quite a formidable mage, but eventually was captured holding the Erratic Portal open for the crew of the Weatherlight to escape from Rath. He was converted to the dark side, and became an Ertai, the Corrupted that you saw in Planeshift. Eventually he was (accidentally) disintegrated by Squee, Goblin Nabob, but not before he gave some of the most hubris-laden quotes in the history of the game. Here are some samplings of what Ertai said, capable of making Jaya blush:

“Was that it?” --Ertai, Wizard Adept, Exodus
“Part of me believes that Barrin taught me meditation simply to shut me up.” --Meditate, Tempest.
“It was probably a lousy spell in the first place.” --counterspell, Tempest.
“There is nothing you can do that I cannot simply deny.” --Dismiss, Tempest.
“Why should I boast? The bards will do it for me -- and with music.” --Tolarian Entrancer, Weatherlight.
“I’m too modest a wizard to reveal the full extent of my abilities.” --Abeyance, Weatherlight.

Of course once Ertai was corrupted, he eventually ran back into Gerrard Capashen. The meeting definitely wasn’t pleasant for one of the two.

“Don’t worry, Gerrard,” said Ertai. “I’m sure the crew will come to your rescue as quickly as they came to mine.” --Ertai's Trickery, Planeshift.

And Ertai wasn’t exactly shy about taunting his fellow travelers on their journey.

“Relative of yours?” Ertai teased. Mirri simply sneered. --Canyon Wildcat, Tempest.

Squee: “What’s that?”
Ertai: “It’s a magical book.”
Squee: “Am I smart enough ta use it?”
Ertai: “You could say that.”
--Fool's Tome, Tempest.

So as you can see, both Ertai and Jaya shared a lot of traits: they were boorish, rude, arrogant and full of themselves. Also, they were colorful as all get out, and made the game of Magic a lot more interesting to play, as you could follow along and share in their glee by taunting your opponents (yelling out “It probably was a lousy spell!” or “Toast is appropriate!” can give you a certain satisfaction when countering a particularly nasty spell or burning a troublesome regenerator). Take the time to vote for which mage you think was the better of the two. While we won’t be hearing anything from Ertai anytime soon (cellular dismemberment can do that to a guy), hopefully we’ll hear some more words of "wisdom" from Jaya Ballard, task mage in the future.

Next week: You wrote them in way back in the day, and now I discuss them! The best cards ever printed that never got used.

Here's the "Bonus Chart"... a list of all the vanilla creatures ever printed! "Vanilla" means no rules text, which in turn means only flavor text graces these bad boys! (Ok, some walls have reminder text, but technically that really doesn't need to be there.)

All the Vanilla Creatures
0/3 Phyrexian Walker
Wall of Wood
0/6 Wall of Earth 0/7 Glacial Wall
Wall of Granite
Wall of Ice
0/8 Wall of Stone 1/1 Dwarven Trader
Eager Cadet
Merfolk of the Pearl Trident
Mons's Goblin Raiders
Muck Rats
Willow Elf
1/2 Devoted Hero
Norwood Ranger
Trained Jackal
Vodalian Soldiers
Volunteer Militia
Woodland Druid
1/3 Straw Soldiers
Talas Merchant
1/4 Border Guard
Femeref Scouts
Horned Turtle
2/1 Coral Eel
Coral Merfolk
Dakmor Scorpion
Goblin Bully
Goblin Piker
Independent Troops
Savannah Lions
Skeletal Snake
Wei Infantry
Wu Infantry
2/2 Balduvian Bears
Barbary Apes
Bear Cub
Forest Bear
Fresh Volunteers
Goblin Hero
Gray Ogre
Grizzly Bears
Headless Horseman
Knight Errant
Pearled Unicorn
Raging Bull
Scarwood Goblins
Scathe Zombies
2/3 Alaborn Trooper
Hurloon Minotaur
Keepers of the Faith
Minotaur Warrior
Regal Unicorn
Shu Foot Soldiers
2/4 Foot Soldiers
2/6 Wall of Heat 3/2 Balduvian Barbarians
Goblin Cavaliers
Gorilla Warrior
3/3 Barbarian Horde
Giant Octopus
Hill Giant
Ogre Warrior
Shu Elite Infantry
Tor Giant
Trained Armadon
Trokin High Guard
Wild Jhovall
3/4 Highland Giant
Rowen Treefolk
Southern Elephant
3/5 Ironroot Treefolk 3/6 Moss Monster
Redwood Treefolk
4/1 Elvish Ranger 4/2 Giant Cockroach
Lizard Warrior
Viashino Warrior
4/3 Golden Bear
Lowland Giant
4/4 Durkwood Boars
Obsidian Giant
Tobias Andrion
4/5 Blanchwood Treefolk
Carnivorous Plant
Earth Elemental
Jasmine Boreal
Meng Huo's Horde
Plated Wurm
4/6 Obsianus Golem
4/7 Sir Shandlar of Eberyn 5/1 Skeletal Crocodile 5/2 Blistering Barrier
5/3 Kasimir the Lone Wolf 5/4 Fire Elemental
Phyrexian Hulk
Spined Wurm
Water Elemental
5/5 Jedit Ojanen
Silverback Ape
The Lady of the Mountain
Torsten von Ursus
6/3 Panther Warriors 6/4 Barbtooth Wurm
Craw Wurm
Sivitri Scarzam
6/5 Barktooth Warbeard
Jerrard of the Closed First
6/6 Trained Orgg
7/4 Lady Orca 7/6 Scaled Wurm
8/5 Whiptail Wurm - - - -

Ben may be reached at

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