Slice of Pie
My day job is head designer of Magic: The Gathering, but as a side gig I act as manager for the five colors of Magic. As you all know, I'm a huge fan of the color pie, and I've been looking for opportunities to introduce the colors to people outside of Magic. I've been doing a lot of brainstorming, and I think I hit upon a pretty cool idea.
Advice columns are a staple of media, and the five colors definitely have strong opinions about things, so I'm pitching a new advice column called Slice of Pie. Here's how it works. For each question, I'll randomly assign two colors that are enemies to it, so you can hear two very different pieces of advice.
To try and build some internet buzz, I'm using my article today to introduce Slice of Pie to the world. I'm hoping that if people like it, I can find a website or magazine (those still exist, right?) to pick it up. Enjoy the very first installment of Slice of Pie.
Slice of Pie
Dear Colors,
Dave is my friend at work. We hang out socially on occasion. The other day while looking through some stuff at work, I noticed that Dave told our boss something that I knew wasn't true. He said he was busy working one night when he was at a party we both attended. I don't feel comfortable lying to my boss, but I don't want to betray my friendship with Dave. What should I do?
Troubled at Work
White: It is not your job to lie for Dave, even if he is your friend. You have a responsibility as an employee—as a human—to be truthful whenever you can. You are not helping Dave by enabling his dishonesty. What I would do first is talk to Dave and explain to him that the truth needs to come out. Give him the opportunity to do the right thing. If he will not, you will need to explain to him that you will tell the boss. This might make Dave angry at you in the moment, but I think, with time, Dave will respect that you taught him a better way to live, one without the need for deception.
Black: I'm glad you wrote in. There's an important lesson to be learned here, and I'm happy to share it with you. When you have information that another person wishes to withhold from a third party, you have the perfect opportunity for blackmail. Now, here's the important part. You need to properly gauge how much they want the information withheld and how much they can afford to pay you to keep it quiet. Overstretch those boundaries, and you force them to reveal the information on their own, losing out on a great payday. My advice is to start small and slowly increment the blackmail over time. Usually, the longer they withhold it, the more they will want to keep it secret.
Dear Colors,
I really like this guy, but I don't know how he feels about me. My gut says to just tell him, but I'm scared of what kind of reaction he might have. If he's not interested in me, I don't want to ruin our friendship.
More Than Friends?
Red: Tell him. You can't live your life in fear. One of two things will happen. One, he likes you back and this is the start of a beautiful relationship. Two, he isn't interested and now you know. You can move on and find someone new to fall in love with. If he isn't interested and doesn't want to be friends anymore because you told him how you feel, was he really a good friend in the first place? No, he wasn't, so it's not a big loss. Go for it!
Blue: The key phrase I heard was "I don't know how he feels about me." That's the core of your problem: incomplete information. I recommend finding ways to learn what you don't know. I'd start with social media. It's amazing how much information people voluntarily give up about themselves. Figure out if he's currently in a relationship and what you can glean about his past relationships. Next, if you have the skills, I would start peeking at his private conversations. That's likely to give you concrete information about how he feels about you. If you can't find anything, my suggestion is to hack into the email of a good friend and have "them" ask him about you. Knowledge is power.
Dear Colors,
There was this job I really wanted that I thought was perfect for me. I did everything I could to prepare for it. I spent time on my résumé, prepared for the interview, and read about the company and the employees I'd be interacting with. I felt everything went as well as it could have gone, and then they hired the daughter of one of the vice presidents instead. I'm really spiraling. I don't know what to do.
Not a Nepo Baby
Black: Life isn't fair. It's a hard lesson to learn, but it's an important one. There are things that will happen that you have no control over. You can't focus on that. It's a waste of time and effort. Spend your energy on things that have the potential to advance you. In fact, that's why what I read here impressed me. You wanted this job and you took every opportunity to increase your chance of success. If you keep applying those same skills to everything you do, you will find an opportunity. Success comes to those who prepare for it. Bemoaning your failures is a waste of time and energy. Focus that energy on the next opportunity.
Green: Things happen (or in your case, don't happen) for a reason. You can't see that now, but one day you will. You're destined to be at the place that makes the best use of your natural talents. My advice is to stop focusing on what to become and get a better sense of what you already are. Figure out where you shine and focus on finding a job that plays into those skills. Also, I think you're being unnecessarily harsh about the qualifications of your vice president's daughter. If the vice president has the natural skills to excel at the job, there's a good chance that their offspring will have some of the same skills.
Dear Colors,
My neighbor and I share a fence. They have an apple tree on their side of the fence that has grown and now parts of it hang over the fence into my yard. I have told them to remove the branches that extend onto my property, but they say that will hurt the tree and refuse. They say that the tree was planted on their side of the fence and they can't control where the tree grows. What do I do?
Barking Up the Wrong Tree
White: Community takes effort. The key to resolving any conflict is understanding what each side wants. Perhaps there is a solution that could make you both happy. For example, maybe you can shift the fence so that you give up the area where the tree is but gain space elsewhere. Maybe you can consult an arborist to figure out what branches could be safely trimmed without harming the tree. Maybe you could learn some recipes with apples that would allow you to use the fruit from the branches above your property. The key is looking for avenues where you both can have a happy outcome.
Red: Here's what I would do. On your side of the property, under the branches that extend onto your side of the fence, start a bonfire. They have freedom to plant a tree, and you have freedom to start a bonfire. When the branches catch fire and start approaching their side of the tree, you say the fire was started on your side and you can't control where the fire goes.
Dear Colors,
I don't like my hair. It's frizzy and never behaves. Should I just shave it off?
Frizzy and in a Tizzy
Green: Here's what I recommend. Go talk to your friends and family and ask them about your hair. I think you'll find it's a core part of who you are and that they like it because they like you. The things that make you stand out the most are the things people identify with. They are the things you should feel comfortable claiming as your own. No one else has your exact hair. Own it and love it.
Blue: You want to cut it off? Cut it off. You won't know how you feel about it until you do. Life is all about figuring out who you want to be and changing things to make that happen. If that change is a permanent change, I would advocate getting more information before acting on it, but hair grows back. If you try it and don't like it, it's just a matter of time before it returns. And maybe it will take losing your hair to make you realize that you appreciated it after all.
Dear Colors,
My homeowners association says we're only allowed to have decorations for specific holidays, but my favorite holiday has always been Arbor Day and it's not on the list. I have the cutest Arbor Day decorations (they're self-made), and I want to put them up. What should I do?
Harboring Tree Decorations
Black: First and foremost, your homeowners association doesn't get to tell you which holidays you get to celebrate. You want to celebrate Arbor Day, you do you. But I would do it smartly. Here's what I would recommend. Ahead of Arbor Day, go to a local media source of your choice and tell them that you're being denied your freedom to celebrate Arbor Day. Then invite them and the homeowners association to your house on the day you plan to put up your decorations. Odds are that the homeowners association won't want the bad press and will let you be. If they don't, you get to turn it into a thing and loop in all the other local media, maybe even some national media if it gets big enough. Believe me, there will become a point where backing down is the easiest option for the homeowners association.
White: The homeowners association exists for a reason. I know rules can seem arbitrary on the surface, but usually there are important reasons for them. If you wish to change the rules, I am sure there is a procedure to do so. Follow the rules and try to be exact about the change you wish to see. If you are successful, you will create opportunities for others. If you are not, you will get a better understanding of why those rules exist in the first place.
Dear Colors,
Everyone in my high school English class is just reading the summaries for all our books. Am I an idiot for being the only one actually reading the book?
Cover to Cover
Blue: The point of the class is not the grade. The point is the information. You're learning skills so you'll be better equipped to handle life. Your classmates are doing themselves all a disservice. They're harming their long-term prospects for short-term gains. That's a fool's errand. Stick to your principles and learn everything you can.
Red: Yes, you are the idiot. Life is about doing things, about being present. While you're locking yourself away with a book, your classmates are all living their lives, doing things that they'll tell stories about. You grow as a person by doing things, not by reading about other people doing things. My advice? Don't even read the summaries. Flunk the class. The class doesn't matter. Go do something worth remembering.
Dear Colors,
My family has this tradition that every Sunday we have seafood as a way to embrace our family's long tradition as fishermen. I hate seafood, but I don't know how to tell my family that I don't want to have it on Sunday anymore.
I Don't Want to Sea Food
Green: Traditions are important. It's a way for you to live in the present while honoring the past. It generates bonding moments, allows for the passing of the torch between generations, and creates comfort. My advice is to figure out if there is a kind of seafood that you like more than others and try to introduce that particular seafood as an ongoing element of the tradition.
Black: Here's what I would do. You need to get a poison, something not too virulent. You're aiming for bad food poisoning, not death. Then, put it into your next Sunday dinner. The best part is that you don't need to eat very much of it as you already have a reputation for not liking seafood. I would eat a little tiny bit to not create any suspicion. Once everyone has gotten violently ill, they'll be a little less eager to continue the tradition. If they carry on for some reason, just do it again in eight or nine months. I assume two instances of food poisoning will shut down just about any tradition.
Dear Colors,
I've lived in the same small town all of my life. I literally know every single person in town. It's so boring. I want to leave, but I don't know where to go.
Stuck in Snoozeville
Red: Here's my advice. Get a map, close your eyes, and point. Wherever you point, move there. No, really. You need to jumpstart your life. You have to do something brash and spontaneous. Yeah, it'll be scary, but I promise you it won't be boring. The key here is you have to take the decision-making out of your control. If you don't choose to leave until you know where to go, you just create momentum to never leave. But if you begin by making the choice to go, then you'll force yourself to make decisions. You're stronger than you realize, and if you want excitement in your life, you have to try going down new paths.
White: Here's what I would do. Get a job at a place that has locations in other cities. Work there, be a good employee, and build up trust with your employer. Once you have done that, start to explore the idea of moving to a different branch. That way, you are not moving without support. You get to start your new life with a job already lined up.
Dear Colors,
I'm a single mom with three kids, ages 5, 8, and 13. I can't find any activities that all three kids enjoy doing. Any advice?
Family Night Life
Blue: The core challenge is the differential between what a 5-year-old and a 13-year-old want to do. I think the key to solving this is to alter how you're approaching the problem. Instead of treating all the kids as the stars of the night, include your 13-year-old in the planning. Make this a family night where you and the 13-year-old enjoy planning the night and the other kids enjoy the night itself. In general, whenever you approach a problem where there seems to be no workable answer, go back and reexamine your goals. For example, you just want to involve all the kids. By including the 13-year-old in the planning, they get to enjoy being more adult and helping you. The other kids get to enjoy the activity that you planned.
Green: The great universal attractor for people of all ages is food. We all have to eat. Instead of you all doing something together, perhaps you can just enjoy being together while you do something you have to do anyway. There are so many great foods to explore. Every week, include a different type of food at a different restaurant.
Color Me Impressed
I hope you all enjoyed a peek at the colors in a different light. As always, I'm eager for any feedback, be it through email or social media (Bluesky, Tumblr, Instagram, TikTok, and Twitter).
Join me next week for another installment of Making Magic.
Until then, may you find advice in unlikely places.